Sunday, January 01, 2012

Top 5 Methods for Getting Republican Clipboards of Enlightenment off an Iowan's Porch

#1: Lock The Porch Door. Peek out the front room curtain to see who is pounding on the locked aluminum screen door. If it is a stranger holding a clipboard and "literature", DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR. Eventually they will go away on their own.

#2: If you forgot to lock the front porch door, and they are now ringing the doorbell and/or knocking on the entry door, put on your favorite Bootsy Collins record and turn it up to Eleven. DO NOT OPEN THE DOOR. Eventually they will go away on their own.

#3: If you peek out the window and they have disguised themselves with a neon yellow safety vest, and you open the door thinking they are a city worker come to tell you they are shutting the water off for a couple of hours because they are fixing a broken water main on your street, then respond to all questions from the campaign worker by quoting Zippy The Pinhead.

"Are you familiar with Mitt Romney's Job Plan For a Better Tomorrow?"
"If a frog broadsides a Mercedes Benz, who pays the damages?"
"I'm sorry, sir, but Mitt Romney doesn't drive a Mercedes."
"I'm injecting a duck burrito with a mango mustard marinade."
"Are you going to the caucus, sir?"
"All life is a blur of Republicans and meat."
"Thank you, have a good day, sir, and if you plan on going to the caucus, Mitt Romney would appreciate your support."
"A srewdriver, alone in a meadow."

#4: If you happen to be out in the back yard marveling at the 50 degree weather, and you walk around to the front yard to take a look at the dandelion that is blooming on the last day of 2011, and there is dude with a clipboard inside your screened in front porch ringing the doorbell and/or knocking on the entry door, then pick the dandelion blossom and dandelion leaves. Go up behind the campaign worker, and when they start asking you questions, don't say anything, just stare at them with your eyes open as wide as possible, your head tilted back a little bit, then stuff the dandelion, flower and leaves, in your mouth and chew very slowly. Let one of the dandelion leaves poke out of you mouth while you chew.

#5: Answer the door naked and read quotes from the Bible.


Fearguth said...

If you happen to use one of these methods, please vid it and put it on YouTube.

ifthethunderdontgetya™³²®© said...

I feel like I'm having some sort of nightmare when I read those comics, zen.

Coffee Messiah said...

Yikes - I can only imagine what it must be like up there -
Oh yes, turn the tables and ask them questions and video ; )

zencomix said...

It's actually not as bad as 2008. We had twice as much action then because of the open field on all sides. Also, because of Citizens United, there has been a shift in strategy. Many of the candidates spent much less time in the state, but the TV ads have probably doubled. Back in 2004, whenever I walked past The Hamburg Inn, there was always a candidate and a pack of reporters doing the Coffee Bean Caucus.

I think part of the shift in strategy also has to do with fear. In 2008, when Obama came to town, he was attracting literally thousands of people to campaign events. Now, if say Gingrich schedules something, and a couple dozen people show up, it shows how weak he is. They're afraid to end up looking like Santorum.

Jim Wayward said...

Would love to see that on video for sure!